La, la, laaa, la, la!!

Merry New Year!!! One of my favorite lines from Trading Places! The city was pounded with a nasty blizzard and it is not aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but, we keep pressing on!!!!

Onward and upward for 2011. 2010 was definitely memorable in every way for me. Now I am looking forward to turning 35 in February and I feel great about whatever is coming my way.

I am just thankful for life right now. Things could be so much worse, but I still keep a smile on my face.

It's kind of funny to have a blog. I don't scribe often, but when I do, I wonder, am I getting too personal, because it seems more like a journal to me.

One wish I have for everyone is to seek truth, light and your bliss. That's the mission I am on.

Delving into my creative juices. The female version of Gordon Parks without the deadbeat dad issues!!!

Here I come, whoa-o-oa!!!

Peace, love, and blessings!!!

Ms. Malcom

Fear

Had a long talk with my boss this morning. I am so fortunate to have such a great supportive boss. He is truly one of my mentors and always tells me the truth.

I can safely say that I have been complacent and fearful to leave the company even though I know that my current position is not utilizing my vast array of talents and skills. I can admit that fear has played a huge role in this. What if I fail? What if it's not for me? All of the crazy questions that are preventing me from moving forward.

I'll never know unless I try, right? Gotta roll the dice and take risks if you want to be extraordinary!!!

I must admit, I got a bit teary eyed after we finished talking. I was in my cube dabbing away my little tears. He told me exactly what I needed to hear. He told me I will not fail and that I have the intelligence, drive, and street smarts to do it.

It's weird talking to your boss about moving on, but he gave me his blessing to see what's out there and to move on sooner than later. It will not only be for my career, but most of all for my happiness.

I have always played this tug of war with fear, but have always conquered it. However, this year has proven to me that there's no time like the present. I will absolutely burst if I don't work past this fear. It's a must!! I will not lose!!!!

Words to live by.....

T

Sometimes......

It's been a while since I've scribed. Not really sure the direction this blog is going, but I will just let it be whatever it wants to be.

This summer has been an actual "summer!!" If I recall correctly, last year it rained like crazy, but we have had a really hot summer in the NYC, though sticky, reminds me of summers from my childhood.

Currently at a crossroads, pondering decisions regarding next steps in life. This is the first time in a long time I have been still. Not running around spreading myself so thin. This is something I am not used to at all, but I know is a necessary evil for my sanity and self preservation.

Now what do I do?

Sometimes in life, we have to be still and make the time to look at the direction life is taking us and decide how we are going to move this compass. I took a Time Management workshop recently. It made me realize that if I applied the methods learned, it could change the entire direction of my life as I know it. I zoned out in the midst of the other participants talking and really visioned what that would be like.

Mapping out my critical goals for the short and long term, putting all of that on paper. Who do I want to be?What do I want? What are my core values? I spend so much time at the office and being all things to all people, it's time to just focus on me. Imagine that!!! Hello!!! Yes, it's okay to do that Ms. Malcom!!! If you don't who will!!!!!

I must admit, I felt like I was going through a bit of a depression this summer, but I read something recently that sometimes when we feel depressed we really need a deep rest!!! A resting of the mind, body and spirit.

One of my favorite singers Anthony Hamilton said it best "Sometimes, you gotta walk alone."

This is a critical transitional period for me. I will be 35 in February and right now, this is the time to set the stage for whats to come. It's a huge milestone and though a confusing time right now, I know, as always, things will iron out, because they always do. I am determined to let my light shine, even if it's a bit on the rose colored side for right now!!!

Peace and Love....

Lady X (Long story!!)

In the bathroom mirror, I......

Say my Grammy winning speech, sing at the top of my lungs, do the stand up routine I have always wanted, curse folks out, everything imaginable!!!

It is so funny to really take a good look at yourself and your raw essence. Pretending there's a room full of folks, but there's no one, unless you believe in the spirit realm, then there are tons of people there!!!

What if we actually took a chance on ourselves and shared our creative souls with the world?

I feel like that is what I am supposed to do. I just have to take that leap of faith.

Though my blog doesn't have many followers, when it does grow, I would love for others to share their funny, entertaining bathroom mirror stories.

Short and sweet,

T

Friend and love.......

Two words that are often misused. I can say that anytime I have said either, I meant it. I am very vocal and do not mince words. However, everyone is not like me and they may choose to play games, talk a lot of shit, lie, the list goes on.

My mother told me this a long time ago and it still holds true. I have grown to realize that everyone is not worthy of your love and friendship. It changes and varies. I feel it depends on what you as an individual will tolerate.

As I grow more secure in my skin, I realize that I tolerate less from folks. Additionally, I have realized that I can't lay the same expectations of what I define as a "friend" on others. Therefore, I have reevaluated my ground rules and will pay more attention to the signs that will tell me, "hey, this person is not to be trusted."

Enough of letting things slide as just "hey, that's just the way they are." There are certain attributes that I will not tolerate any longer from people that I let into my life. Especially, when I sit back and look at how hard I have worked to become the woman I am today, and still working on the woman I will be...it never ends.

I am just thankful for everything. The good and the bad experiences, everyone that has come in and out of my life. It has all been a learning lesson for sure.

Onward and upward. I thank the powers that be for this clarity and for this journey. I am a tough lady, I have survived a lot and have dealt with a lot health wise as of late. I am still here and thus am charged with making things right for myself. This is never without any help of course and never without love. Change will never occur without it.

New found peace.

It's been an interesting year to say the least. I love how, you never know what the next second is going to bring.

I am realizing as I get older, sometimes you have to clean house. I have been praying for peace for a long time. Wasn't sure in what form it was going to present itself, but knew it would come one day.

It's funny how when you are true to yourself and stick to your guns, the clutter disappears. In my case, this came in the form of people in my life. I am relishing in the tranquility of not having to listen to negative, self-loathing on a daily basis. There is always someone in a worse situation. If it is something that can be changed, change it, period.

I realize that everyone has their definition of what friendship means and there comes a point where I realized that I don't have to compromise myself when I know in my heart I have been nothing but a friend. Take it or leave it, hate it or love it, I don't care. I am glad that I am not that needy and am comfortable being alone with my thoughts and with myself. I can take myself out to dinner and love shopping alone. Not working on anyone else's time.

My most important relationship that I am focused on is with myself and my creator, that's it. I will continue to nurture those relationships that I deem worthy and that I feel are genuine. I am so happy with the woman that I am and am looking forward to the rest of this journey.

I want to thank the powers that be for giving me this new found peace of mind. Keeping things simple and on my own terms is something new and exciting for me. I'm loving every minute of it.

Time........

I've been home for most of the week dealing with my second bout of bronchitis in two months. I have dealt with two deaths in two months and my cigarette intake doubled. After each incidence, bronchitis is the diagnosis. Therefore, with all of my might and fight I have in me, I will not touch another Newport Light again in life. Yes, I have said this before, but after a couple of miserable nights of sleeplessness due to coughing my lungs out of my chest, I have learned my lesson.

I lost my Aunt in January and lost a dear, dear, friend, sister and confidante that I shared the last 25 years of my life laughing with. We were just saying Happy Birthday to each other. She's the 22nd of February, me the 25th. She left us on the 28th. We had plans to meet the next time I was out in Queens, which would have been March 13th, but the next time I would see her was at her memorial service on March 2nd.

I have so many great, crazy, moments with my "China Doll." We laughed, cried, argued, fought, all the things sisters do. She was close to my family and we all looked out for each other through the years. She is a daughter to my mother and a sister to my sisters.

I know we only go around once in this form, but damn, I always thought we would live to see each other's kids, but we don't have control over this thing called time.

This is the lesson in all of this. I know she would want all of us who are grieving to go on and live our lives to the fullest with our hearts full of love because she did just that.

I remember in my twenties when I was going through my shit, she came over and was checking on me, making sure I was doing okay. She told me that the book isn't closed, this is just one page in the chapter. If it's something that can be fixed and changed for the better, then I can keep going in life. Things will get better.

Catherine "Cathy/Catina/China" La, had many monikers, but, one thing that never changed about her was her spirit. She lived life on her own terms, she loved hard, laughed hard, played hard, went hard on anything she believed in.

We had our time and our era together. We said we loved each other and couldn't wait to see each other, so I am at peace. It was her time. I will see you again ma, one love................

 Catherine "China/Catina" La 2.22.76 - 2.28.10